Expectations.
What do you think when you hear that word?
The underlying meaning is, "To expect something.".
This one word has been the killer of many relationships. Uncommunicated expectations are the silent killer of friendships, relationships, marriages, work environments, and many more. Too many to list. I'm sure many of you could add to that list.
Some expectations are reasonable and cause growth. Proper expectations help us to grow, and our children to mature. Even our relationship with the Lord has expectations. Some expectations are also needed for our education, to work, and marriage.
What makes for healthy expectations??
That is the million-dollar question.
For me, expressing, explaining, and thoroughly laying out one's expectations is essential.
I'm not always good at this, and it's something that I continue to work on.
For many of us, we go into relationships with expectations. Many of them are universally accepted. My husband will work; he will be faithful, etc. The same applies to me, his wife.
What about the unspoken expectations? That is where we begin the decline into relationship hell.
We need to double-check our expectations.
When do we need to do this??
Daily!!!
When you find yourself upset with someone, you need to think about your expectations and decide if they're fair and reasonable.
As a parent, we need to make sure that we've laid out our expectations with our children. An example is when I have my children clean the bathroom. At one point, I was upset because they hadn't done the job correctly. Then I thought, "Did I show them how to do that? "
Have I trained them correctly?? Did I make my expectations clear??
No!! I didn't. I told my children to do it but hadn't trained them. I hadn't shown them, by example how to do it. This lack of communication could be the start of problems in the relationship. I was angry the job wasn't completed correctly, and they're upset with many emotions they can't convey.
Poor communication is the start of problems for many relationships. When I started to think about the core issue, expectations came to my mind. We may blame the lack of communication, but in reality, it's our expectations that are the problem. Unspoken expectations being the most dangerous.
Unreasonable, unspoken, and unattainable expectations ruin relationships.
Another example:
When people express to me that they think my children are well behaved, I cringe. Why? Simply because it's not true.
Don't misunderstand me. My children are good kids. They're not demanding, and I enjoy them very much.
They aren't perfect. We're all raising little humans that are sinners. None of us have sinless children. See my blog post: It's Not Just Your Child.
When people have this expectation that my child is perfect, or well behaved in an unattainable way, what happens when my child makes a mistake? Because someone has a higher expectation for my child, their response to my child's error is harsher. We've all heard this,
"I never expected that from....."
I cringe when I hear that. I've said it, I've thought it and I regret it.
I try to be as transparent as I can. My lack of excellent communication skills doesn't help this problem. When someone has conveyed to me an unattainable expectation, I try to stop it right there!! At that moment, I will correct someone.
An example would be when someone says, "Your home is probably always clean."
I respond, "No, I knew you were coming, so the kids helped me, and we did a quick cleaning.". Or I'll say, "Well, I can shower and look good or my home can be clean, but BOTH are not happening. "
When someone mentioned to me on Facebook that the picture of my children hugging was sweet, this person also said that their children would never do that. I responded quickly and told them that my son had been threatened about losing all his video games. Why?? Because I don't want people to have unrealistic expectations that might ruin our relationship down the road.
We've been reading through Proverbs. Many of us know Proverbs 22:6,
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is older, he will not depart from it."
Training involves many different layers. It's teaching, training, and rebuke when needed.
We need to make sure that we're training our children by teaching and then having them practice what our expectations are.
Ephesians 6:4 tells us,
" Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Discipline comes from the Latin root discipuli, which means "student."
If our children are to be disciplined (Discipled), this means that they're to be our students, making us teachers.
We need to make sure that we use all layers of discipline, teaching, training, and only rebuking when necessary. We don't want to anger our frustrate our children.
Colossians 3:21 tells us,
" Fathers, do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart."
This seems so simple?? I'm guilty of frustrating my children so many times, simply because I didn't teach, train, and convey my expectations appropriately.
I share my thoughts as someone who is daily learning to humble myself before the Lord. He shows me my errors, He guides me and leads me down a graceful path of His Mercy.
Laura,
Imperfect follower of Christ, Mother and Wife
